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News from the Far Side

Monday 14th July 2008

Partially sighted childish mud-slinging: vital skills for Tri-Nations rugby fans

SANZAR has announced that next year's Tri-Nations tournament will follow a new format with the Springboks playing all three of their games against the All Blacks in New Zealand.

The decision comes in the wake of two weeks of lively debate in the press following an eventful South African tour to the Land of the Long White Cloud.

"After the events of the last fortnight it became clear to the SANZAR partners that for logistical reasons, South Africa and the All Blacks will have to play each other in New Zealand next year, " read a statement.

"With the dry winters experienced on the Highveld, it would be impossible to cater for the amount of mud needed by both sides. We've already started a tender process to find manufacturers capable of providing catapults with sufficient slinging capacity."

In addition to the fixture changes, coaches, players, supporters and referees will asked to attend special workshops under relevant themes:

Workshop 1: "Anatomy"

Participants are give clear descriptions enabling them to clearly distinguish between the shoulders / the neck / the head/ and the chest. The successful completion of this workshop is vital for subsequent workshops.

Workshop 2: "The High Tackle - dos and don'ts"

Workshop 3: Dummies

Part 1: Why every crybaby needs a good dummy.
Part2: Dummy spitting: Direction, distance and timing.

Workshop 4: Tips for successful drop-kicking

Tip 1: You should always be facing the posts before thinking about attempting a drop goal (except if you're Dan Carter)
Tip 2: To kick a drop goal you need time, space and a decent pass (except if you're Dan Carter)
Tip 3: It's OK to kick more than one successful drop goal per game (except if you're Dan Carter)
Tip 4: Drop goals should only be attempted from inside the opposition half (except if you're Francois Steyn)
Tip 5: Drop goals can be used to win close games in big tournaments like the Tri-Nations or World Cup (except if you're Dan Carter).

Fans who would like to attend the workshops have received a boost with the news that Dickinson, Goddard and Co. Optometrists will sponsor the courses.

"We've never seen any thing like this - Cases of optic neuropathy increase ten-fold during the Tri-Nations. We're not sure what causes people to have impaired eyesight during these periods but we're hoping rugby fans, who seem to suffer severely from a variety of visual disorders, may help our research," said a spokesman, Cantu C. Spier-Tackels.

In more news from the Tri-Nations, Springbok coach Peter de Villiers has been cited for ungentlemanly table-banging following his boisterous display when Enrico Januarie scored the Second Test's winning try.

"It's not his fault," said one Kiwi observer, Mr. Dowden McCraig.

"He's got a voodoo curse on him. He's being controlled by someone else pulling his strings."

In news from South Africa, local referee JC 'Crime Buster' Fontuin has been commended for his innovative use of the new powers allocated to the TMO officials to clamp down on illegal tactics. In a recent Currie Cup game, Fortuin called upon the use of News from the Far Side's hidden locker-room cameras to see who stole Blue Bulls hooker Derick Kuun's lunch money.

"It don't metta how mush tyme I uose. I'll get to da bottom dis," said Fontuin.

In news from France, les bleus have returned from Australia just in time to celebrate Bastille day on July 14. Staying true to the traditions of the revolution, coach Marc Lièvremont called for the entire board of the French Rugby Federation, as well as all officials involved in allocating fixtures, to be guillotined.

In more news from France, Bryon Kelleher has been filmed doing a haka on top of the Toulouse bus while parading the Top 14 trophy around town.

Unfortunately, Kelleher, who recently said he feels like a real Toulousain, seems to have forgotten of the words to "Ka mate":

"Camembert, Camembert, ka ora! ka ora!
Camembert, Camembert, ka ora! ka ora!
Toulouse's baguettes are - yummy, yummy," sang the bare-chested former All Black, much to the delight of the French fans, before finishing of with a flourish:

"I like honey, I like honey,
I like honey and goat cheese on my crepes, ya!"

By Theboss