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News from the Far Side

Monday 04th August 2008

Pink Man: Paris's newest Super hero

Foreign referees are the centre of attention after a survey of Tri-Nations fans revealed some startling statistics concerning their feelings towards whistle-blowers.

The survey, conducted by NFS's team of crack investigators, was conducted amongst rugby fans in all three Tri-Nations countries, but results were uncannily familiar across the board.

55 per cent of respondents found that referees were trying their best to do a good job, but were always going to fail because they are inherently evil.

23 per cent of fans felt that referees from countries other than their own were the spawn of the devil.

12 per cent felt that foreign referees were actually the reincarnation of Satan himself, who used his evil powers to shape-shift and assume a different form every weekend.

The remaining 20 per cent were convinced that foreign referees were responsible for world hunger and that as long as they were allowed to roam free on rugby fields, world peace would be impossible.

The survey also revealed some startling information that could break new ground in understanding population dynamics in urban areas. Results show how population numbers vary drastically according to Tri-Nations results.

Data gathered from Australia's east coast town of Perth before the Springboks' visit there on July 19 shows a South African ex-pat population of nearly 45 per cent of the city's inhabitants. Data from July 20 however reveals that that number dropped to only 4 per cent, but spiked back to 37 per cent following New Zealand's Bledisloe cup victory in Auckland on August 2.

Analysts have indicated that their might be meteorological elements at play and have pointed to Perth's fair weather as a possible explanation for the phenomenon.

Another survey, this time conducted amongst a worldwide audience, has revealed differing opinions with regards to the ELVs. Fans were split 50-50 in the Southern Hemisphere as to whether the laws were good for the game.

However, the overwhelming majority of respondents in the Northern hemisphere ticked the box indicating that they thought: "The ELVs are the work of secret agents who have infiltrated the IRB as part of an Australian plot to take over the world with their American allies, who are manipulating the international rugby agenda by using puppet regimes to vote in their favour."

In response to the question "What can be done to make rugby more interesting?", 72 per cent of English fans indicated they wanted "More chips with our Guinness" while 15 per cent said "those heathen Frenchmen should be banned from playing our game."

Meanwhile, in news from the city of love, Stade Fran�ais have taken a bold new step to expand their fan base with Italian number eight Sergio Parisse starring as an 'action hero' in a new promotional campaign.

The campaign - aimed at attracting fans from hot cities like Paris, Cape Town, Sydney, Brighton, Berlin and San Francisco - will see Parisse put his dashing good looks to use as super-hero "Pink Man."

Sales of the pink and blue flower-motif boxer shorts on Stade Fran�ais's website are expected to soar.

"Ooh la la, Sergio iz a real man's man in such a man's game like ze rugby," said campaign spokesman Gaylord Roseparade.

In news from the Currie Cup, the real reason for Fred Michalak's absence from the Sharks starting XV last Saturday has been unearthed.

While the rest of the Sharks thumped the Griquas at 44-15 at ABSA Park in Kimberly, a perplexed and lonely Michalak was spotted in the change rooms at ABSA Stadium in Durban.

"Zis iz Absa-urd! Whar iz everybody? Zey tell ze game iz at zree o'clock and 'ere I am, but zer iz no-wan?" said the fancy fly-half import.

A source inside the Sharks camp says it's not the first time there's been a fix-up.

"We went up to Coca-Cola stadium earlier this year to watch a game and we told Freddie we'd meet him there. We couldn't find him in the stands and when we gave him a call he was standing next to the vending machine at our training grounds," said the secret informer.

In other news from the stadium formerly known as Ellis Park, Argentina will be facing South Africa there on Saturday. Pumas hooker Mario Ledesma has reacted to Springbok coach Peter de Villiers' comments that the South Americans are "crazier than the French."

"En una cacerola, rehogar a fuego suave las cebolletas en aceite oliva, cuando esten bien fundidas sin estar doradas, mojar con el vino blanco, salpimentar y aumentar la temperatura para reducirlo a la mitad reservar. Colocar los filetes en platos individuales y cubrir con la salsa, espolvorear con perejil y servir,"

(We are very confident. They can say what they want, but we all know that the Pumas scrum is going to hammer them. Their forwards are like little girls lost in a supermarket. Their arrogance is a sign of their need to project their childhood insecurities in an unsure world, hostile to the free-thinking of neo-expressionists,) he told Los Gilipollas de Ma�ana.

By Theboss